Could one of the autistic mind's biggest weaknesses actually be its greatest strength?

How the lack of an innate "theory of mind" can be seen as the counterbalance to the logic of envy and greed (and saving society from collapsing under its own social desires)

Af Oliver Tonning, stud.psych.

Foto af Ursula Teodora Skov Moeran, stud.psych

Aunt Linda is standing around the corner. We are only a few meters apart. The blazing summer sun rains down from the blue and white above is as we walk about my autism. She was one of the first in Denmark to work professionally with autistic children. She tells me this while painting the windows at her new home as a pensioner. The house corner is blocking our line of sight, but I hear her clearly: Her voice is even more present when it comes without her eyes.  I apply green wood protection to the garage that have been neglected for some time and suddenly feel safe and brave.

I tell her how difficult it can be to understand social norms. The unspoken and often indirect rules of behavior that guide the average person through everyday life.
The sun weaves golden threads in the gravel dust that are floating in the air between us. Our words follow the light and swirl in an animated tone. Somewhat randomly, I mention that the lack of social understanding can also be seen as a blissful ignorance. Something that not only causes suffering but can also prevent pain. Aunt Linda's face peeks curiously around the corner. I get the feeling of having said something important.

Her hair has been touched by a small splatter of white paint. With difficulty, I shift my gaze from the paint spot to her eyes as she begins to tell her story. She remembers a boy who was at the age where he could earn some money by helping in the family's garden. The boy had previously done similar tasks and received some computer games as payment. The father now asked him what he wanted for the work he had done this time. The boy fell silent. After some thought, he said that he didn't need anything. He was happy. He didn't desire anything, Linda recounts.

“What is desire? What lust?” I thought to myself. Automatically my autistic psychologist brain began to answer the questions by setting up a logical structure. “Maslow's hierarchy of needs has basic survival in the bottom.  All living things have one desire in common - life.  evolutionarily speaking, the feeling of pleasure and pain is what ensures survival – a never ending the search for life.” I continued in my mind. “If you are healthy, fed, warm, loved, without fear, entertained and otherwise satisfied with daily life, what does people then desire? Material stuff and social status” I then concluded. 

I wanted to tell Linda about my thoughts. I looked up but the second I saw her my mind went blank. She was like a painting. Standing by the end of her little house looking out at the field. In front of her was crops stretching it’s yellowness out until a forest stops it with all of it’s green. In the distant a wind hits the treetops and then travels down into the field. It moves towards the house like a massive body, touching thousands of stalks every second, faster and faster and then reaches Linda as something completely different. The wind goes gently through her hair, combing it like a toddler’s sleepy fingers. See turns and smile.

I think this is what my aunt desire. At least at this stage of her life. You can't tell looking at her, but she has literally been married to a rock star. I never spoke with her about it, but my dad was part of the road life, and he has told me about the rock'n'roll lifestyle in the 80s and 90s. I life of desire. Material desire. Social desire.

My aunt, my father, my mother and all other adults in my life have warned me against this form of pleasure. “A big house will not make you happy. Being famous and adored will not bring you love” I hear them say. Most people know this in their heart but cannot help themselves. They still they spend their lives hunting material things and social acceptance. Except the majority of autistic people, I have met. Why?

 “Most things have purely social value” I continued in my mind. The value of a BMW lies in its social status, not in the steel or the engine.  The same can be said about expensive homes, fashion, and much more. The pleasers from owning things like this is only in small parts a direct result of sensory pleasure.  The desire to own things like this can also stem from a painful feeling of inferiority.

Much suffering does not emerge from physical disease but social hierarchies. People fall victim to other people’s low self-worth and there need to feel superior to others. The divide in status incites envy when one owns things with a higher social value than the other. If autistic individuals are blind to the social dynamics that attribute these values, they may also be blind to the desire and envy that accompany them.

Of course, I know autistic individuals who both own expensive things and are placed highly in the social hierarchy. Autistic individuals can desire materiel and social things, no doubt. The question is why. What is the driving motivation?

Do most autistic people own an ocean blue robe of the finest silk because they adhere to social trends and norms? Or because the silk feels soft against the skin and the calming blue color is pleasing for the eyes? Do they buy a BMW, because they unconsciously are seeking the social acceptance and the pleasurable feeling of owning and driving this status symbol? Seeing oneself through the eyes of others and judging themselves positively because the BMW represents the highest normative social status and value. Or is it because they always have had cars as their special interest and personal fixation? A totally private car-fascination since childhood, which has now (coincidentally) transformed from nerdy to cool.

I'm considering sharing my thoughts with my aunt, but I'm unsure if I'm breaking any social codes. Is it arrogant to refer to oneself so saintly? I can't figure it out, so I instead stay silent and follow my train of thought.

I know which category the autistic people I know fall into - their desires as always been personal. Only by accident does their desires align with things that have high social value. I believe the reason for this is the same reason that explains must of their social suffering – it is the lack of an automatically ‘theory of mind’. Autistic individuals cannot automatically, intuitively and subconsciously to do what is others think is ‘cool’ and ‘right’ because that require a ability to constantly see oneself through others' eyes. This is a great weakness but can also be seen as an invaluable strength.

Behavior does not become socially awkward if you instinctively know what others think is fashionable and socially celebrated. Intuitively knowing the implicit rules and norms for what is hot and what is not, automatically creates a behavior that favors what other people think is cool because all people are social animal at the end of the day. We want to follow the norms because we fear exclusion and seek praise. 

I think most neurotypicals have internalized the critical gaze of the other/the social norm. This automatically creates psychological distress through guilt when one falls outside the norm. And conversely, a psychological pleasure when one satisfies the normative desire.

In positive terms this is can be called ‘theory of mind’. It can also be called a ‘internalized hunt for normative desire through chronic self-evaluation in line with others perception of what is “cool” and “right”’.

“The compulsory ‘theory of mind’ is not necessarily always a good thing" I say to Linda - excited by my own theory. “Autistic minds might be immune to the social codes and norms. This prevents them from spontaneously acting and behaving ‘correctly’ and ‘socially right’. But if this ‘socially correct’ behavior is a spontaneous and blind surrender to the logic of envy and the economy of greed, then it can be a blessing in disguise.

My aunt doesn't really respond. I can't tell if I've said something wrong. My heart shrinks in my chest. “Maybe I sounded arrogant after all” I think to myself as she goes into the house.  She returns soon after wearing shorts. “Perhaps she was just feeling too warm and therefore didn't really listen” I ponder. Suddenly, I can feel that my social energy is depleted.

I'm currently listening to Marcel Proust's novel 'In Search of Lost Time.' The lovely, calm voice of the narrator instantly relaxes me. Suddenly, it strikes me why I find large parts of the novel so dull. Several sections deal with the rules of social norms in the Parisian upper class in the late 19th century.  I don't understand what they're talking about or why it's exciting.

Instead of listening to the audiobook, my mind jumps to the title of another French masterpiece, Gustave Flaubert's 'Sentimental Education.' Suddenly, it occurs to me that the characters in Proust's novel are being educated in their emotions according to the rules of the social system, exactly as Flaubert describes it. It's not just about having the right knowledge or exhibiting the right behavior; no, one's entire being and emotional life must act in accordance with social rules. The face must display surprise, sorrow, or joy at the appropriate times. Social norms are social emotions. They must be internalized and acted upon as if they were not learned but had always been there.

Proust describes how all these social rules and emotions are invented, broken, and used to ostracize other people – much like reality TV does today. The emotional reactions become part of a social game that can be performed correctly or incorrectly.

Many autistic minds struggle with the emotional game and instead find solace in technical expertise. All of this can make them appear arrogant and lead to social exclusion. Although they don't understand the social codes and rules, they still have an equal need for love and companionship. Just like everyone else. Similarly, they also feel the pain of bullying and social rejection. The social exclusion occurs because many they don't master the social (and emotional) techniques that connect them to others. So, they often end up alone.

The walls in the garage are completely green now. I sit on a paint can, gulp down cold water, and think about Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tale 'The Emperor's New Clothes'.

Perhaps it always has been people from the autistic community who said that the emperor has no clothes on. Pointing at him, asking why he was naked and breaking the social etiquette (as a purely logical observation, without understanding the social consequences). So, the autistic whistleblowers were punished with scolding and exclusion. However, at the same time, it planted an indispensable thought in everyone's mind: “But he HAS no clothes on. Why do we celebrate a social construct?”

 Maybe the autistic community can offer a different perspective. A new insight into a frenetic world where everything seems to be driven by consumerism and the logic of envy. Another approach to a society where the growth paradigm appears to feed on fear and jealousy – pain and greed when confronted with other people’s stuff – stuff that you apparently must envy even though it has nothing but social value.

I think the internalized, spontaneous and intuitive feeling of ‘I’m not good enough’ is accompanied and awakened by the ‘social knowledge’ that one must 'feel unhappy' without these possessions and only can 'feel happy' once one owns them."

Perhaps some aspects of the autistic mind can be seen as the necessary counterbalance to rich societies, who no longer must fight for basic survival and instant loses itself in material consumption and the social house of cards.

I would like to see a government of autistic people. Just for a day or to. Perhaps we can convince the rest that social desire is baseless and kept artificially alive. Or maybe I'm just daydreaming about finding a weird partner and having some strange kids, I think to myself.

I clean the brush in turpentine, step out into the sun, and find my aunt, who is busy preparing lunch. I consider sharing my thoughts about Proust and Flaubert but conclude that classical French literature might not be a suitable topic for everyone and just my special interest. I don't want to make her uncomfortable, so instead I ask if I can help with anything and feel a little bit lonely.